Finding joy: Running

My favorite running pal! 

Tuesday was glorious because we ran.

It was hot. I had to slather on sunscreen (SPF 50, obvs.) so I felt slimy and gross -- but I tell myself my skin is worth it. I did not sleep particularly well the night before. I'm a little self-conscious in shorts. And -- bonus -- we were going running in a park so I knew I would get lots of stares (as literally the only blonde/white person there).

But then our legs starting churning away and we slowly made our way around the park's edge and the magic something of running took hold and everything is right again.

The last few weeks have been really tough for me. They felt like the weeks before the crash, before everything -- those years when I crammed too many things into too few boxes yet still managed it all. Now it’s different — now when I behave like this I feel like I am on the edge of another fall.

But none yet. I might stumble. I might wobble. But I have learned and I haven’t fallen.

I haven’t dedicated a post to things that bring me joy in some time so I wanted to get back into the habit of appreciating what makes me happy. And, especially in times like these, running keeps me sane.

I hit a running wall last year when the anxiety came to a head, and there were months when walking made me exhausted. Gradually I was able to jog now and again, but, as the saying goes, I felt like a turtle moving through peanut butter. 

The most challenging mindset I’ve had to unlearn — rather, replace with a healthier one — is my competitive attitude. No matter the circumstances, I want to compete. Not only do I hate to finish last, I hate to finish in the middle or, if it is something I’m really good at, not in first.

Imagine me, this turtle running through peanut butter, trying as hard as she can. I feel awful and I’m out of breath and my legs ache — but instead of rewarding myself for overcoming exhaustion and lack of motivation and an overwhelming gravitational pull to stay on the couch, bed, or other horizontal surface, I berate myself for being slower than everyone else, not to mention slower than I used to be.

Woo-freakin'-hoo -- that sounds like a lot of fun.

But I am leaving that behind me. That is why I enjoy running now — I have found the joy in it for the first time in my life. Not the punishing masochistic joy that most runners are all too familiar with. I’m talking about real joy beyond the runner’s high and the endorphins.

Running is teaching me about how to overcome my inner critic and find a new relationship with myself and with something I love.

I complained to my trainer in December about feeling out of breath during runs, even short ones, so he told me to run more intervals. What better way to spend a rainy afternoon than on the treadmill running intervals? When I really didn’t want to run, I rewarded myself with something I wanted to watch from my Netflix queue. The first few times were pretty painful but now I’ll run intervals[1] at least once a week and I feel much less breathless.

I have also changed my focus in running from performance to stress relief -- and from running fast races to running fun races with friends. Yes, there is still the joy of the solo, silent run when I am alone with my thoughts and the feeling of my feet hitting the ground, but I have to challenge myself to just focus on the moment and feel the thrill of the run.

xo,
Sarah

[1] For the uninitiated who are curious about intervals, give them a try. They are actually easier to do on a treadmill because the machine does the work for you and displays the time to keep you on track.

Start with 15-20 minutes (with a nice warm-up and cool-down on either side. Alternate ~30 seconds of running with ~30 seconds of walking. I start with a comfortable jog for my run (say, 5.5 mph) and a brisk walk (say, 3.5 mph) and, every 5 minutes, increase the run speed and decrease the walk speed (6.0 mph and 3.2 mph, 6.5 mph and 3.0 mph — you get the picture). 

You’re teaching your body to recover faster as well as learning to run faster and faster. 8.0 mph feels really fast if you run it at a sustained pace, but you can run it for 30 seconds at a time! Trust me — you’ll boost your confidence and your lung capacity with intervals.