Where's Sarah?

It would be depressing to post a photo
of me on the couch. So I chose one that
made me smile and think of better times,

I go through rounds of blogging and not blogging, so in some ways this could just be like all of the rest. But I'm here today to tell you that, unfortunately, it isn't. 

In late November/early December, I started getting fatigued. Now, there are times when I know that I am pushing myself too hard (working too much, not sleeping enough, working out too hard) and so those are to be expected. But this wasn't prompted by anything, really. My mood and energy came back, so I figured, "Hey, I must have escaped a cold/the flu/something terrible without it going full on."

And then it came back. And again. And again. And again.

This latest crash, earlier this week, came incredibly hard. Even after sleeping for twelve hours I could barely pull myself out of bed. Symptoms were piling up. And, for the first time in awhile, I was scared. Really scared.

And here's what is scary to me: They (doctors, healthcare professionals, etc.) don't know what is going on. They have theories. They are running tests -- more tests, always tests. The symptoms aren't so unique that they point to one particular illness or syndrome or condition. So there are theories. There are ideas. There are different paths. 

One that has some promise is gluten intolerance. We're hoping to rule out celiac disease through a blood test, but the only way to find out is to go gluten-free. Dairy-free and gluten-free? God. I'm going to be that one weird friend who has to go to certain restaurants and can't eat anything. Actually -- I wouldn't be so concerned living here in the Seattle area because there are so many options. But how would one travel? It's really unclear. That being said, gluten is in so many things that I will have to be a food detective. Last night for dinner Sergio made stir fry with soy sauce which has (you guessed it) gluten. What does excite me about a gluten-free diet is that many processed foods are completely out-of-bounds. If nothing else, I will get healthier.

There is another path they are pursuing. I don't think I'm fully on-board with the path or that I want to share where it is leading quite yet. 

The hardest part of all of this? Not having the ability to muster the energy to get myself up and going. I feel like such a lame-o. I feel like such a slacker. Yesterday I had to muster some serious energy to do tough tasks like showering or washing half a sink of dishes. I had to remind myself that in all of this I need to be kind to myself, to talk to myself like I would to a friend in this same position. Nobody chooses this. Nobody wants to be sidelined and not have the answers.

This is my humble request -- as isolated as I feel/am,  I feel a little disconnected with the world. Your encouragement is useful. Tips and diagnoses, at least at this point, are not. I know your mom's sister's neighbor's daughter was suffering from X and it sounds the same... but at this point I need to trust the process and trust the hands I have put myself in. At this point I hope and pray for things to improve as soon as they can, knowing that so much of it is beyond my control.

I miss my energy. I need to go and find it.

xo

Sarah