Where's Sarah? Part II

It's been a week since I wrote anything and I feel up to writing a little bit more. The last week has been relatively tough -- not because I've gotten worse, but because it has been so up and down. Today (Thursday) is an up day. I woke up exhausted yet in a better mood with a better outlook. I still feel like I am stumbling through the days not fully present, not fully engaged. I flat-ironed my hair, though. If you know me, that says something when I have the strength to tackle the tangle that grows from my head.

Yesterday, though, was a completely different story. It was terrible. I felt like I had been run over by a truck. I was so incredibly lonely and ended up crying on my bed telling my cat, "At least you are my friend!"

Yeah. So that's the swing.

The short story is the same. They still don't know what's going on. It seems to be one big process of elimination. The long story isn't really must more interesting. I try to avoid talking about medical details as much as possible. My grandmother used to do this, never noticing the looks of horror on the faces of her grandchildren. I'm not going there.

The (almost) good news is that gluten intolerance is looking to be a less-likely answer as time moves on. I'm sticking to the gluten-free diet for another week before giving it another go. Because of that, I'm trying to keep my expectations as low as possible.

Living gluten-free is tough. I'm not really a big bread or pasta person. And I'm learning more about the hidden sources. But baked goods? After chocolate, a delicious homemade cookie is my favorite thing. On Saturday (good day) I had a burst of energy and decided to make gluten-free cookies. I stand corrected -- they were actually gluten-free and dairy-free AND I adapted a "regular" recipe. Yikes. I've become much more comfortable with dairy-free baking. Coconut oil is my new BFF. Gluten-free flour, though? It's just odd. I stood in front of a wall of bags of gluten-free flour and ended up going with the all-purpose. But I was thrown by the texture of it -- it felt much more like cornmeal than flour.

The dough started out looking really good, albeit with a slight non-cookie smell. One suggestion I read online was to use brown sugar instead of white sugar when you bake gluten-free. Brown sugar also happens to be better than white sugar in every way so this was a no-brainer. The second tip was to double or triple the amount of vanilla extract to mask the taste. Right. So we whipped up the dough and threw it in the fridge. It did smell a little different. The next day, the gluten-free, dairy-free snickerdoodles were out of the oven. Once cool, I took a little bite -- and cried.

Guess what? They weren't perfect, but they weren't bad at all! They tasted enough like a snickerdoodle! For a first try, I was pretty impressed. The tears, then were ones of relief. It was overwhelming because I realized that while it would be challenging to go gluten-free, if I could make good cookies and breads, I'd make it. My sweet tooth would live on!

I need to keep reminding myself that there can always be a new normal. There will be a way forward. It's just adjusting to this new normal that is hard.

So -- energy comes and goes, days come and go. Things move on. At this point, it's just more tests and more trials and more hoping that the theories are right. And, of course, appreciating side effects.

Whenever I see it on the table, I smile.

In case you think everything is sad, it's not -- in the times when I have some energy, we're able to do small little fun things. Earlier this week we made a terrarium! It was supposed to look more closed-in in my mind (if you want to be inspired, check out this BuzzFeed post), but I'm thrilled with the end result. I found this container on sale at Target so I went with it. The bottom layer is rock, followed by moss and soil. They recommend some charcoal for closed terrariums but this one was open so I omitted it.

It was difficult to find succulents this time of year. These aren't as fancy as I had hoped. My favorite part of my yard is my sedum and succulent bed -- no maintenance gardening is the best gardening. Once I planted them, I added a bit more moss and some stones to give it a little something extra. I think the stone path makes it, really. I wanted to add a tiny little person to the path -- I couldn't find anything, though, so I'll just keep looking. It was certainly a highlight of that day.

I've also been reading more than usual, which has been a welcome escape from obsessive symptom research. One author I've deepened my love for is Bill Bryson. I had read three of his travel books (my favorite being In A Sunburned Country) and just finished A Walk in the Woods. Last night when I couldn't sleep I started At Home. A little sarcasm can go a long way.

Two weeks into this, things might be on the up. I have hope.

xo,
Sarah