For several years now, I've considered myself a recovering perfectionist. There is no twelve-step program to overcoming perfectionism -- it's one step. Twelve? F-no. I can do it in one. Better, faster, and with more style than anyone else. That one step? "I have decided I will no longer be a perfectionist." Then all you have to do is to execute on that step. Perfectly.
This is, of course, delusional thinking.
What is the saying, that half of solving a problem is admitting that you have it? I never thought perfectionism was really a problem. It's sort of one of those cop-out answers for everyone's favorite ineffective interview question: "What would you say your weaknesses are?"
"I'm too focused on perfection." BAM. Nailed it.
But if the last year or so of my life -- and some pretty resounding failures at that -- hasn't taught me anything, I'd be a stupid, sad woman. Everyone needs some failure and an explosion here or there. I used to tell that to Nooglers at work -- until you really botch something and fail reaaaaal good, you'll be stuck thinking that with enough hard work and luck, you can pull anything off. And it's not like I haven't had failure before -- but they have been minor things, nothing that anyone could really look at me and say, "Wow, that Sarah. Not perfect... Let's just move on."
I heard about Brene Brown's work from a few different sources, and I was immediately intrigued because her primary research is focused on shame. How depressing!, I thought to myself. What would possess someone to focus on something so darn sad? But when I found out that she also researched worthiness and perfectionism, I thought I should get the book. And I did. For professional research, I told myself at first. This will help me as a coach!
Delusional thinking -- just like, "I have this friend who has a problem..."
Holy cow -- her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, hit me over the head. Hard. The core concept of the book is that through courage, compassion, and connection, we can live what she calls a wholehearted life, one that is rich and imperfect. I gagged a little when I read that first bit because it sounded so -- I don't know, like a stay-at-home mom who posts pictures of her kids making a holy hell mess on her blog and captions the photo, "Isn't imperfection wonderful?" when all I can think is, "Who the hell lets three-year-olds play with glue and glitter and frosting on a hardwood floor?!" It also makes me think of those crazy people on Pinterest who select all of these homemade crafts that look great in the initial photos, but terrible in real life, deserving of a spot on Pinterest Fail (have you seen the lights that are made from coffee filters? I promise you this looks like a bunch of coffee filters glued together in real life, not like a four hundred dollar light fixture. I promise.). I am not that person and another book on woman power! is not what I need.
But once I got past that initial phase of nausea, I kept reading the book and realized that actually that's not what she's talking about, at least not in the purest sense. What she writes can apply to people in many different life situations, though she draws on her experiences as a wife, mother, and researcher to add anecdotes to the book. After some introductory chapters, there are ten short chapters, each covering one of what she calls guideposts. I'm not set out to write a book report on it because there are so many good points that I'm still digesting them - it's amazing how much she can pack into little three- to five-page chapters! But there were a few points that resonated more strongly than the rest -- and maybe these can be the start of really kicking perfectionism to the curb:
First up, shame vs. guilt: In my head I knew these two were different, but the crystal clear definition she provided helped me divorce them once and for all. In short: Guilt = I did something bad, whereas shame = I am bad. Guilt can be productive because it helps us treat others with dignity and respect, but shame is never productive because it eats at who we are and leads to self-hate.
Perfectionists, as you can imagine, are more prone to shame because we fear being found out! When we fail, it exposes the unworthy person we might fear that we are. I have to admit that I don't have a good answer for this one yet -- overcoming this fear that I am not worthy enough. The salve for shame is authenticity and comfort in being who we feel we are. I'm getting more and more comfortable with that. It's a long road, I think...
Next, perfectionism vs. self improvement: I love learning how to do something better or how to improve myself -- it's my whole job. So sometimes I can couch perfectionism as an extreme form of self-improvement or achievement, traits that are prized and valued in Western Culture (and doubly-so at Google). Brown writes, "Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame." Perfectionists are accomplishment-driven (uh, my middle name is only Ann on my birth certificate -- it's actually Accomplish) to the point that they lose focus on improvement and zero in on impressing.
As I read this I flashed back to having panic attacks when I was in high school because so afraid that I wouldn't be able to do well enough academically and keep up with all of my extracurriculars, get into a good school, and set up a good, financially-stable life for myself. I hated that feeling that would come over me in first period, blossoming from my stomach to my chest and my head. I'm happy to say that I have only suffered through a few such incidents since, but this distinction reminded me that a better aspiration is to be a "good-enoughist" instead.
Lastly, the one most dear to my heart was her discussion on happiness vs. joy. I started the chapter convinced they were simply synonyms (hey, I'm a writer and my thesaurus is my BFF!). I'm joyful, I'm happy!, I thought as I started. I even read that happiness book that was making the rounds several years ago -- and right now, I'm on a happiness sabbatical, right? Then as I read more about happiness and joy, the definition she shared made sense to me. Happiness is more environmental (there was even a study that showed that more money can buy happiness, up to a certain income level) -- what is around you and what is influencing you -- whereas joy is more tied to a happy spirit and gratitude no matter the circumstances.
As a perfectionist, it's tempting to achieve my way into happiness. I can make time to do things I love or I can make lists of ideas of things I think I'd love. I can schedule vacations to incredible places and surround myself with nice possessions. That's why that book on happiness was so appealing to me -- it's just a set of lists, and boy, do I tear through lists! But do these things bring joy? No -- not on their own. That's the life I had a year or two ago -- vacations, nice things, lists, hobbies -- but at that time was I joyful? No! Joy was something that I suppressed and lost touch with and didn't allow myself to fully experience. Since then, I've felt like I've exhaled, released so much of what I was holding onto (and what was holding on to me!) and in doing so, joy came back into my life.
I'm still a perfectionist, but perhaps an aspiring good-enoughist, all of which is easy to say before I've made meaningful, lasting changes. What has opened my eyes, though, is that despite so many challenges, my life didn't fall apart. I'm here, I'm joyful, and I'm lovable. I've really just started to explore the richness and depth of this book, and despite the Stuart Smalley moments throughout, living life from a place of worth is something I hope I -- and you-- can experience.
It's not one step. It's not twelve. It's a whole life change. And if anyone can attack it with gusto, it's me.
xo
Sarah
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