Chris Rock does a bit about white people who have black friends, and the etiquette surrounding certain words or behaviors that white people can or cannot engage in. If you are a fan of Mr. Rock, certainly you know what piece I am talking about (I believe it was in his last stand-up tour), and if you are not, just use your imagination to construct something that one would generally not say in polite society. This, in a nutshell, is why I am such a fan of his comedy routines -- Chris Rock takes on what people won't say but are so desperately want to say (and are thinking). He manages to make things funny and sharp and yet can do it without offending (me, at least).
Okay, so maybe that was a pretty strong opening. I've probably set myself up, like this is going to be some incredibly hilarious blog entry. It's not. But, like Mr. Rock, I am about to bestow on you some permission to do something that might not feel okay.
It's okay to congratulate someone who has just been through a divorce. Yeah, I said it.
I can't tell you how often I've run into this situation as of late. I'm going through the process of changing my name back to my maiden name. If it was a nuisance the first time around, it's a pain-in-the-ass the second. Sorry, potential-future-husband-some-day out there, but it's going to be a hard sell to go through it again. I remember saying the first time, "Hey, you think they'd have a better process for this -- people get married all the time!" But I can tell you this -- it's no better for divorce. It's probably worse.
First of all, there are so many different requirements -- nay, combination of requirements -- of paperwork and forms and proof, etc. Sometimes you call. Sometimes you email. Sometimes you wait for a paper form. Sometimes you send originals. Sometimes you can send copies. Sometimes they make you find a fax machine. Newsflash, America -- fax machines are a DEAD technology!
But, of course, it's not the paperwork that I find to be the tricky bit. It's when you are hit with all of the "Congratulations on getting married!" or "Ooh, did you get married?" and then you have to be Ms. Rainy Day and say, "No, actually. Divorced."
Enter the BIG FAT PAUSE. Cue the CRICKETS. Add AWKWARD GESTURES.
"Oh, I'm so sorry!' "What a terrible mistake!" "Boy, I wouldn't have guessed that at your age" (thanks Central Market clerk for that particular one). Of course, the apologies and sadness remarks are the most popular. And, at that point, I, of course, respond, "Thanks so much for your concern, but it's a good thing. It's been a very positive change in my life."
Enter MORE AWKWARDNESS. "Wait, this lady just said divorce was a good thing? Now what in the world can I possibly say?"
So, I'm just going to say it again: It's okay to congratulate someone who has just been through a divorce.
See, there are changes in life that are Generally Good and Generally Bad. Getting cancer? Well, you have to be incredibly optimistic or delusional to consider that a blessing. Same for losing a loved one or getting fired or going through bankruptcy. And then there are changes that are happy ones -- having a baby, getting married, or finding a new career. But despite what the media or Hollywood or sad, depressed people might tell you, divorce is actually neither. Clearly something wasn't working out in the relationship that led one or both parties to end it -- but is that a thing to be happy about or to be sad about?
Pain and suffering are never happy -- they are to be endured but not celebrated. So I certainly don't celebrate that bit of it. But the moment I made the decision to take this path, I swore up and down that I would never be a sad, bitter woman and that I would step through this as gracefully as one can. And the result has been nothing short of transformational for me.
Now, this could go the wrong way too, you see, if you approach a newly-divorced friend with celebratory salutations and you soon discover he or she is broken-hearted, crushed, and downtrodden. No one like to have someone else minimize their pain. So, as I said before, in a world where we like to sort into Generally Good and Generally Bad, divorce is neither.
If you hear nothing else, hear this -- all you need to do is to ask your newly-divorced friend or family member, "How are you?" and see how she replies. Those three short words are the perfect opening to any conversation because they are so free of judgment and let her take off on the path that feels right. Not, "This must be very hard for you" or "I bet you're crushed" or "Isn't it nice to be rid of your spouse?" Just, "How are you?" and let it go from there.
And it's possible that you will feel awkward. Maybe she will cry. Maybe she will want to toast. Maybe she will be in despair. All you can do is listen and say, "I'm here -- how can I help?" And, if you ever feel awkward, you can just say it -- and say it lovingly! "Wow, I'm really not sure what to say right now. What would help?" or "I've never been in a situation like this, so I'm not sure how to behave. I really care about you even though I'm not sure what's right!" Half of marriages, supposedly, still end in divorce, so I bet you will face this situation again.
And it's just a tip for life, really. What if we assumed a little less, and listened and asked questions a little more? With an open mind and an open heart, it is much easier to support someone in need.
So, yes, it's okay to send a congrats my way. I'm happier than I can remember being in a long time, and I'm not afraid to say it.
Thanks for reading, friends.
xo
Sarah
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