Well, you don't HAVE to sit there. But sometimes not having that seat means a lot of anxiety. You never know what is going to happen in life -- none of us do -- but if you're dealing with anxiety, life seems much less sure and you aren't sure that you are able to cope with it.
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| My new mantra. |
I have a Ph.D in "What Ifs" with a focus in "Freakishly Unlikely Circumstances." To be clear, many of these what-ifs are not going to happen. Most likely, you won't be on the flight that crashes... until you are. Or so goes my logic. Your trunk isn't broken into on a vacation and everything stolen... until it is. You get the picture. This is the way my mind operates. It's currently a little distorted.
It's not all made-up, though. As I wrote previously, life with anxiety can be incredibly unpredictable. Take medication -- it will make you do really odd things. For some reason, I've become a menopausal woman after I started on these latest combination of meds. I can go from comfortable to "oh my God I have to take off my clothes or I'll pass out from the heat" hot. Some of them (ahem, lithium) make you guzzle water and then run for the ladies'. They toy with your emotions -- all of them.
It's not all made-up, though. As I wrote previously, life with anxiety can be incredibly unpredictable. Take medication -- it will make you do really odd things. For some reason, I've become a menopausal woman after I started on these latest combination of meds. I can go from comfortable to "oh my God I have to take off my clothes or I'll pass out from the heat" hot. Some of them (ahem, lithium) make you guzzle water and then run for the ladies'. They toy with your emotions -- all of them.
It feels like my face is bright red and I'm out of breath and I'm sweating and oh-my-God can people notice this? I am so f**king embarrassed! I have to get out of here I have to get out of here GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!
"Sitting in the exit row" is my new way of life. It means I have a planned procedure for getting out of a situation should it escalate for me. That means if I have a panic attack that I'm unable to manage, I know what I can do to catch some relief.
This can take all sorts of forms. I like sitting near the door in conference rooms now -- that way I don't have to climb over six people to get some air if that's what I need. I also find myself packing essentials wherever I go -- food, water, meds, layers (to strip off or add), and something positively distracting, like a book. It means I'm back to doing my best to be early for appointments, or reminding myself that, really, the doctor always runs ten minutes late, so I shouldn't tailgate/drive too fast/get worked up.
That is the weird part of this dance, though -- waltzing back and forth between spontaneity and planning, between boredom and novelty, between comfort and discomfort and all of those points in-between. I want that very straight path -- that perfect "up and to the right" experience. Unfortunately, my extensive experience in worst-case scenarios means that I imagine things will go through the axis and drop off of the graph entirely.
When I look at my life, though, I've had more than one "off the graph" moments. I've had plenty of dips and bends, steps backward that led to growth and steps forward that were more for appearances and for show and for the wrong, outwardly-focused, prideful things, but not really REALLY for me and what I wanted or needed or what I could do that would be beneficial to someone else. Phew.
What I've learned is actually pretty simple. The mess is where the beauty happens. And damn it, I don't want to be at a place where I need so many contingency plans to feel comfortable with the bumps. I am constantly in awe of people who [appear to be] are unruffled and who simply take life as it comes without the old-lady sweatfests or without taking off their shoes so their feet can touch ground. I am so curious and so jealous and so eager to figure. it. out.
That is the problem with long-held beliefs and well-practiced behaviors -- I can't see anything else. I see this as a coach on a regular basis (and let me reinforce how much easier it is to watch someone struggle with their challenges -- it seems so simple and logical from your outside perspective). Suddenly we feel like the rules of the world have changed and what was working before isn't working anymore. And even though we know and we believe there is a different way to get where we want to go -- a way with less of a cost or a way that is more healthy for us -- we can't quite start down the new path yet.
Maybe the exit row is a bit of a crutch. Maybe it is an excuse. Maybe I should just fly free without a mom-sized purse full of supplies.
But maybe it's something else. Positive reframe -- it isn't a crutch, nor is it an excuse. It's the building blocks that I need -- the scaffolding in my thinking and my being that allows me to imagine a time when it will be better and behave my way there. It's an exhausting, manual process to line up every horrible "what if?" and knock it to the ground. Someday, though, they will dissolve into a mist with a glance. I'll move around them, then through them. And then I'll wake up one morning and realize that they have (really, I'll settle for mostly) gone.
Until then, at least I have some extra legroom in this seat.
xo,
Sarah
P.S. Completely behind on blogs. Completely. Finishing up a round-up of the September Hawaii trip and making a few notes about our current trip (Florida!). Florida in the winter is actually quite pleasant. We're in the middle part of our trip, all the way south in the Keys. Today we got to swim with dolphins.
And yes, I was anxious before I got into the water. And then it was just fine :-D
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| What if I stopped planning and just let it be? |
When I look at my life, though, I've had more than one "off the graph" moments. I've had plenty of dips and bends, steps backward that led to growth and steps forward that were more for appearances and for show and for the wrong, outwardly-focused, prideful things, but not really REALLY for me and what I wanted or needed or what I could do that would be beneficial to someone else. Phew.
What I've learned is actually pretty simple. The mess is where the beauty happens. And damn it, I don't want to be at a place where I need so many contingency plans to feel comfortable with the bumps. I am constantly in awe of people who [appear to be] are unruffled and who simply take life as it comes without the old-lady sweatfests or without taking off their shoes so their feet can touch ground. I am so curious and so jealous and so eager to figure. it. out.
That is the problem with long-held beliefs and well-practiced behaviors -- I can't see anything else. I see this as a coach on a regular basis (and let me reinforce how much easier it is to watch someone struggle with their challenges -- it seems so simple and logical from your outside perspective). Suddenly we feel like the rules of the world have changed and what was working before isn't working anymore. And even though we know and we believe there is a different way to get where we want to go -- a way with less of a cost or a way that is more healthy for us -- we can't quite start down the new path yet.
Maybe the exit row is a bit of a crutch. Maybe it is an excuse. Maybe I should just fly free without a mom-sized purse full of supplies.
But maybe it's something else. Positive reframe -- it isn't a crutch, nor is it an excuse. It's the building blocks that I need -- the scaffolding in my thinking and my being that allows me to imagine a time when it will be better and behave my way there. It's an exhausting, manual process to line up every horrible "what if?" and knock it to the ground. Someday, though, they will dissolve into a mist with a glance. I'll move around them, then through them. And then I'll wake up one morning and realize that they have (really, I'll settle for mostly) gone.
Until then, at least I have some extra legroom in this seat.
xo,
Sarah
P.S. Completely behind on blogs. Completely. Finishing up a round-up of the September Hawaii trip and making a few notes about our current trip (Florida!). Florida in the winter is actually quite pleasant. We're in the middle part of our trip, all the way south in the Keys. Today we got to swim with dolphins.
And yes, I was anxious before I got into the water. And then it was just fine :-D
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| At the Dolphin Research Center with Merina and Tursi (and Windley, Merina's calf!). |
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