Disquiet.

I have enjoyed so much love, caring, and support from my family, friends, and coworkers in the last ten months. As I have shared, it's been a very challenging, difficult time for me as I have battled with what was, for sometime, unknown health issues. By April, I had a much better sense about what was going on, and now in August, I want to share part of the story.

I've written this blog entry a hundred times in my head -- on the road, in bed, staring into space on Sergio's couch, on the treadmill, standing in the supermarket line. How to be positive and upbeat yet represent how it has rocked my life to its core? How do you break a polite, kind silence -- and what exactly would people expect me to say?

My new favorite book

The cloud that has been hanging over my head is an anxiety disorder and panic attacks. And even as I write those words, it seems to both perfectly describe and don't even touch what has happened in my life. When you have a nervous disposition, as I do, people want to be helpful and suggest, "Well, just don't think about it,"as if I could will it away.

Right. I haven't tried that before. Thank you.

So let's start the blog with this -- I promise you, I have thought and obsessed about this subject more than humanly possible. All I ask is your compassion and support -- and I hope that sharing today and in the future can help all of us, myself included, be supportive of those around us who are struggling with something difficult.

So. Anxiety.


The mind is a complicated thing. It doesn't heal itself like a broken bone or even a broken heart. It is so much more complicated, especially when it has been hurting for a long time.

The first question I asked myself post-diagnosis was this -- How long have I been dealing with this, diagnosed or not? Honestly, that's something I'm still trying to figure out. I was sorting through boxes of childhood papers and, ironically, came across a drawing from when I was ten. It was one of those creative assignments when teachers ask you to come up with a descriptive word about yourself for each letter of your name (something kids with repeat letters in their names just love, trust me).

For my R, I wrote really concerned, and then explained, in great detail on the back, that I paid too much attention in life and generally worried about things, sometimes more than I should. At ten not only was I this way, I knew it about myself. I knew I had these tendencies, that I was wired this way, so to speak.

But anxiety disorders are tricky like that. Unlike the broken bone or the broken heart -- or even something much closer, such as depression -- the anxious can easily pass as "normal," whatever that word means. Underlying anxiety is often a fear, sometimes that you can't articulate, that you will mess up, embarrass yourself in front of others, and look like a freak.

This, as you might imagine, is paralyzing.

That means you are an expert, as I am, in masking your emotions and your anxiety. This can come off in lots of different ways, but often simply appears as concern, thoughtfulness, discipline, conscientiousness, and prudence -- virtues, all.

So true. 

It festers -- an open wound on the mind and a fearful flutter in the soul. Until one day it bursts, knocks you on your back, and leaves you gasping. I never really appreciated what it was like until I went through it. In many ways, it's a very individualized experience because each person handles it a little differently.

With this much practice, it's no wonder I am such an expert worrier.

I planned for my sabbatical to be a time for me to rest and relax. And it was -- but it was so detached from the reality of the day-to-day that it allowed me to escape the pressures of real-life without providing what I would need when I crashed five months later -- perspective and ways to cope.

Coping with an anxiety disorder has no doubt been the toughest thing I've ever dealt with. I have been trying to approach it as comprehensively as I can -- a combination of therapy, common sense (sleep, food, water, exercise), and medicine.

One of the scarier parts has been finding the combination of medicines that work for me. It is not that I am anti-medicine -- I just like to know what alternatives exist before I jump headlong into something. I'm also concerned about becoming dependent on meds, so I was reticent to pursue that route. But, as part of an integrated plan, I've come to accept that medicine is what will help me have a better quality of life at this point. It's not necessarily a forever thing -- but even if it is, I've accepted it.

The journey is not a pretty one, though. Since the end of February, I've tried fifteen (15!) different kinds of medication. I've learned that I am very sensitive to medication, just like my grandma was. Before I knew this, I was taking larger doses that delivered crippling side effects. One of the scariest experiences was when I added a new medication to what I was already taking and I found myself more or less unable to move because of the nausea and dizziness, and I ended up lying on the couch with a racing heart and sweating fingers (fingers, not hands -- weird), staring at my living room ceiling and praying for it to end -- please, please stop, I whimpered. Eventually -- mercifully -- it did.

My life as a lab rat.

I've learned more about medicine than I ever wanted to know. Did you know that many antidepressants barely outperform placebos for depression but are highly effective for anxiety when used in combination with other prescriptions? Me neither. "Off-script" usage amazes me. One kind of medicine caused intense, hallucinogenic nightmares as a side effect. Come to find out, a drug used to treat high blood pressure also eases nightmares, most commonly for those who have PTSD.

Most of the big synthetics have nasty side effects. I feel like I am constantly in a delicate dance to find the best balance between anxiety management and [insert the weirdest side effect you can think of here]. I'm thankful to have such dedicated, kind physicians who have been supporting me. We're still trying to find a combination that works, though at least I'm at a point of enough stability that I can go about life semi-normally. This week I get to be a guinea pig again and try some brand-new just-released medicines. I love getting new clothes before anyone else and I'm obsessed with getting books by my favorite authors as soon as they're available -- why not medicine, I suppose?

[Note: One has to keep a sense of humor in this situation. I reward myself with chocolate when I take pills in the morning -- so, yes, chocolate is always okay at 9am now. I have to treat pharmacy trips like grand adventures, grabbing some nice new lotion or a magazine to put in the bag with that awful stuff I have to take. I enjoy reading the medicine information sheets in a dramatic voice, paying attention to interesting side effects that I haven't yet experienced: "Ah, dry mouth! What a great excuse to drink more water!" or "Neck rigidity? More massages!" Laughter makes the tears more bearable, right?]

I have learned so much about myself throughout this process -- and am still learning. It's been possible because of all of your support, whether you knew it or not. Sergio has never left my side, my family and friends have tolerated every oddity, and I've been blessed with a supportive manager and colleagues. So I hope I can add you to my list of supporters too as I fight on. As you can imagine, I won't stop until I win.

Thanks for reading a little about my journey. Despite how difficult it all has been, I am incredibly grateful to get the support I need and to correct my long-held wrong beliefs and thoughts about myself. Each time something else drops away, I feel lighter and happier. Or, as one of my favorite verses from Romans says, "The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming."

I think so. I really do think so.

xo,
Sarah

So proud that we did a real trip! 

P.S. Sergio is just now editing our pictures from last weekend's trip to San Diego. I'm beyond thrilled that we were able to do our first "real" trip since all of this business.

So stay tuned for a charging cheetah, lighthouses, and giraffe-feeding... and our ant-ridden hotel room tales.