To new beginnings...

“Never have expectations. Open yourself up to the endless possibilities and the world will offer you more then you knew was out there.” 

2013 is a month-plus gone already, so, from this vantage point when I look back on 2012, I realize it was, in many ways, a most unusual year.  In so many areas of my life, things were amazing.  Work was incredible.  I made new friends.  I started to shed my grad school pounds.  I visited Asia for the first time.  I started coaching professionally.  I read a heap of books and spent good time working on my own.  There were so many positive milestones that I want to celebrate.

Yet, for me, 2012 was primarily a year of sadness and heartbreak personally as I watched my marriage fall apart in front of my eyes and, for so long, fought to keep something that wasn't meant to be.

So here on this day, it is finally done and our divorce is finalized, gaveled into public record by a woman in a robe.  I swore I was me.  I swore everything had been divided, that things were irretrievably broken. It was so short and unceremonious, especially considering the months of heartache and hurt that came before.

I never pictured myself being divorced.  Ever.  Divorce happened to other people, "those people" who didn't try hard enough and who didn't fight long enough.  That would not be us.  That would not be me.  As things were becoming more and more painful and worse and worse, I turned away from everyone, going further into myself and didn't share what I was thinking with the outside world.  I wasn't someone who would get divorced.  Especially not at the ripe age of 29.

There are all sorts of personal trials and journeys that one can go through, and, as someone with a really happy childhood, I guess mine had to come around sooner or later.  Don't get me wrong -- divorce isn't cancer or an amputation or Type-I diabetes.  It's not losing a parent or a child or a job.  But it's not a contest of "tell me who has the worst life" because, when you're living it, it seems awful and you don't want to go on.

Through this process, I've learned a lot about myself.  I hearken back to something a colleague said several months ago.  She said that she didn't know she had the strength to deal with some extremely challenging life circumstances that were thrust in front of her unexpectedly and, if you would have asked her ahead of time, she would have said that there would have been no way that she could have handled it.  Yet she did.  And I have too.  I have learned to trust myself and my gut in all of this.  That's what reflection -- and therapy -- can do for you -- they can help you narrow in on why you got where you did and how you can move forward more productively.

An experience like this is ripe for lessons, namely that family is really the most important thing in life (and they will be there for you no matter what) and that going through a challenging experience will help you learn who your friends really are and who is just there in good times but not when things are ugly, confusing, or unclear.  There are others who, for a multitude of reasons, will just pull away.  To say that it has been painful is an understatement.

There has also been the surprise in the care and concern of people who I know far less well.  My neighbor is going through (a much uglier) divorce, so I know we have been able to provide some support to one another.  People from my pet sitter to colleagues to my broker have shared their condolences and their own stories.  "It takes a lot of courage to do that," one person said to me.  Funny, I replied.  I don't feel courageous at all.  I think I just, for the first time in my life, stood up and did what I needed to do.  It was my decision and I am comfortable with it, and this time to think about it has helped me to heal, and today I am in a wonderful place.

I have kept all of this so close to myself for one key reason, and that was the realization I had that I rely far too much on others' opinions of what I should do.  As I am sure anyone who has been through a major life transition can attest to (death, marriage, baby), everyone has some advice for you.  Divorce, of course, is no exception, and I have received so much well-meaning advice from friends to strangers, and it's been hard to turn off the voices in my head.  I am getting better at saying what I know I need to, so I'll share it with all of you too:

"One thing I've learned about myself is that I really struggle to hear my own voice at times, but through this process I have learned to trust myself and what I think and feel to be right. I am so thankful for your support and your love during this time, and though I know you want the best for me, it would be much better for me right now to have someone to have fun with and laugh with instead of someone to share advice.  I might need someone to listen at times or might want advice from time to time, and I will certainly let you know when that is true.  But, for now, I just want for us to have fun, like we always have."

So I raise a glass to myself and to, as my neighbor said, a new beginning.

xoxo
Sarah